Inner-child...

There are days where there seems no end to the tears. Where my heart seems to be outside of my chest instead of inside feeling protected from all the pain of the surroundings and everything seems overwhelming.

Perhaps it means I am outside of my comfort zone and all the channels within me are opened up and if I shut it down and ignore it nothing will change. If there is one thing I have learned it's that pushing away the inevitable is unhealthy in the long run. But I get it, I like any other sometimes just don't feel ready to deal with it, so I postpone things until I feel ready. It's just that sometimes there is no light that switches on telling us "Now is the time". For some it might be while they are in the middle of the storm unwilling to face the so called fear, while for others it might be better when it has cooled off a bit and they have had time to process it before taking the step.  Some people need more time while others have no issue with taking it head on. I am more worried about those who just avoid it completely. There will come no growth out of it, no learning curve. Staying stuck in the same old pattern and tracks. Luckily that hasn't been me for some time, and I keep learning while taking charge even if I want to stick my head into the sand from time to time.

I do question myself from time to time "How much have I changed?". It makes me look back to the past and then look at me now, noticing there has been major changes. I wouldn't say I've become fearless or have everything painted out for myself - far from it. But from being a more quiet introverted child processing traumatic events through life, I've become a little more head strong and a somewhat outspoken person - which can be both positive and negative depending on how I look at it. I take to heart the mistakes I make and I actively try to learn from them. Sometimes I think I try too much that it can have the "kick me in the ass" effect because it still doesn't become as balanced as I want it, as it seemed to ended up at the other end of the balance platform instead of the middle keeping it steady. So I realize on this path there is still quite a road ahead for me to travel.

There are times I've had a few wake up calls later on where I realize I probably only walked halfway through a process, thinking I was done with it. But new realization appears and it throws me for a loop. The fact that I am a highly sensitive being doesn't always help in these situations.

These days I have to say I feel rather overwhelmed by the knowledge of how much our inner-child affects us all when we haven't taken charge,acknowledged things and been able to calm ourselves down yet instead letting the inner-child control us. I think for some years I was blindsided, although knowing very well that things from the past has effected me and made me a part of who I am - which isn't half bad. But the actualization of realizing "she" is still 'controlling' me in certain situations made me thing about not only me but how unaware others are of the effect of our inner-child. We might say "stop acting like a child", "Don't be so childish" and then later saying I realize it has to do with the past (or some fail to see it completely), where something happened and as an adult it got triggered and gave us an experience making us think "Wow, where did that come from?". It's should also be a wake up call to a lot of people when they realize that all of us have that inner-child within us, that sometimes people behave or respond to the inner-child which has been lacking, hurt, traumatized etc in the past and it doesn't really have much to do with the current situation as it has to do with something they are responding to from the past that got triggered from the situation that arose.

Life is a hell of a journey, with it's ups and downs.
For me trying to understand things usually helps, but there are times where you do realize that you can't understand everything as every being or situations are complex and unique in their own way. Which in retrospect makes it all even more fascinating to me.