Natures course..

You live only to die, it's natures course. These days it seems that the days are closing in for my grandparents. My mothers father already passed away a few years ago very suddenly with no warning. Both of my grandmothers has had their battles and are dealing with dementia and some other things, but at least they are in elderly home stable getting special care for their needs.

These days I have my grandfather especially in mind, as he is back in the hospital again after just being sent home stable - due to his heart slowly giving out. "His heart is tired and it will continue to do this until it stops for good" I believe was what the doctor said. Then asking his children: "Do you want to keep him alive artificially if it comes to that"? These are choices I don't believe any child would want to make for their parents, parents for their children or by loved ones in general.

What is the right choice? I'm no doctor, but it makes me think... Say if he would end up in a coma being kept alive artificially, him being kept alive by a machine getting the basic nutrition he needs he would probably lose weight, which could be beneficial for his heart... Right? or is it really a lost cause?

The words "He's pushing 87 and has a tired heart, so what's the point of keeping him alive." as an answer is running through my mind. If there is no hope for any recovery, I suppose I agree with those words. Keeping him alive in a coma would not be beneficial for him, but I can understand that sometime people need more time to say goodbye. It can be hard to let go of a loved one that has played such a huge role in someones life.

The family situation having some friction makes situations like this even more complex. I can only try to imagine the pain of not being allowed to come visit your own parent not knowing if it is the last time you will have the chance to see or speak to them again while they are still alive.  That even in times like these stubbornness, anger and pride doesn't get pushed aside (I got one word for that: inner-child).

My heart bleeds knowing this, but  all I can hope for is that somehow, someway there is a silver-lining in there somewhere.

One milestone accomplished..

Some days you feel like your legs just got to start moving. After my butt started hurting sitting on the indoor bike 2x10 km with a few minutes between the sessions in the early morning hours there were no way I was sitting down again to torture it... lol.  But I figured a nice walk would do me good. Heels were already patched with Compeed covering blisters and burns on the heal. I figured why not go try my heavenly new Nike shoes outdoor. Not sure where I was going after trying to get some on the phone, realizing there would be a slim chance that my part-time walking partner or other people would join on a friday night. So I started walking and then I got the "devil" in me. Was I ready for it? It was yet to be seen, but one way or another I would have to be able to walk around that lake.. Didn't matter if I would scream, curse or crawl my way through it. Well knowing the road I had chosen would mean it would be over 20km and it would be dark before I got closer to centrum again. To make sure I'd walk around it all, I chose the path that didn't let me get the option to cut it short. I was determined to walk it. No excuses allowed..

According to Google maps it should take about 4h 15 min to walk, but I had no idea what walking pace Google are using for the calculation. So I feel a little blessed and thankful having a friend calling me back (after I tried reaching her for a walk earlier)  I believe she kept me company on the phone for almost half my distance around there.  When we said our goodbyes it was back to listening to Spotify - only then in the dark with stars shining around me and once in while a car passing by blinding me for a few seconds. Knowing I had talked that long on the phone I had my concerns that the battery might die before I was home and that meant that I needed to keep checking on it so I could save most of the distance on the Runkeeper app. Getting closer to town seemed like forever and I already felt my feet was somewhat burning. Since my accident years back my feet are the first to go due to sensitivity, way before my legs give in. But I do believe my walks prior has payed off. So little by little they hopefully will get less sensitive. The furthest walk prior other that my more or less usual 7.20 km something walks was back in snowy February when I walked 15.29 km with my partner. In March my feet was more or less "ruined" filled with blisters and burns/flesh wounds, so I could hardly walk at all making me take it more or less easy. While April has been the month to get back on track. With the snow just about gone and no need for spikes under my shoes it helps a little as there will be less pressure and with well spent money on new shoes it looks very promising.. *Knock on wood*

So as the battery drained fast as I got closer to town with the stars sparkling around me, I shut Spotify off, saved the distance so far on Runkeeper a little further ahead and then shut the GPS off. Getting closer and closer I had a pit stop at the gas station to get something to drink (important to stay hydrated) and walked home in a steady pace thinking perhaps crawling would have been better.
When I finally got home stretching was the first thing on my mind. Then the I went in to check if I could add the rest of the walk manually on Runkeeper, which in fact you can.

I also checked my time/distance on Runkeeper in total and with my geeky side taking over me I went all loveydovey on google so she would would find me a site where I could calculate what Google maps actual pace is set at. While my walk had an average of 6.09 kph - not going all out, it seems Google maps pace is set even lower at 4.87 kph. Had my pace been just a little faster I would have made it an hour shorter of the predicted Google Maps time. Perhaps that should be a goal to set for next time. Note to self: Could be smart to invest in an extra battery that I plug in to my smartphone making it last longer and also to get my hands on a hydration backpack as my ultimate goal is to walk close to 40 km to a town and back - although I probably will have a pit stop eating some food halfway through.

After a long warm bath and watching a movie, I spoiled my feet with a well deserved massage just before I hit my head on the pillow and Zzznored my way to the dream zone probably scaring every monster lurking and waiting for me there. Waking up, I was pleasantly surprised to be in a pretty good shape. Besides from some new burns I got yesterday I can say I feel up for a shorter walk than yesterday with my friend that we agreed on last night if I was still alive and kicking.

Still feeling proud of my accomplishment as I believe anyone should be when they have set a goal and go for it. Even if I had failed and ended up calling for a Taxi or something I would still have to tell myself I am proud for trying and wouldn't have given up.

I know there are people out there that struggle daily just getting out of bed or their apartment for whatever reason and for them the smallest step will be huge. I recommend no matter what life situation you are in to set a goal for yourself and with every step forward you take even if there is setbacks in between, acknowledge what you already have done. Even though you may think the smallest step that is hard for you and every person around you seems to do automatically in life - it isn't that for you yet.. And know that it is OK. We are all in different stages in life and that goal might be just as  challenging as someone running a marathon for the first time. Just keep focusing on the positive, in time it will make a difference and new goals can be set and accomplished.

Inner-child...

There are days where there seems no end to the tears. Where my heart seems to be outside of my chest instead of inside feeling protected from all the pain of the surroundings and everything seems overwhelming.

Perhaps it means I am outside of my comfort zone and all the channels within me are opened up and if I shut it down and ignore it nothing will change. If there is one thing I have learned it's that pushing away the inevitable is unhealthy in the long run. But I get it, I like any other sometimes just don't feel ready to deal with it, so I postpone things until I feel ready. It's just that sometimes there is no light that switches on telling us "Now is the time". For some it might be while they are in the middle of the storm unwilling to face the so called fear, while for others it might be better when it has cooled off a bit and they have had time to process it before taking the step.  Some people need more time while others have no issue with taking it head on. I am more worried about those who just avoid it completely. There will come no growth out of it, no learning curve. Staying stuck in the same old pattern and tracks. Luckily that hasn't been me for some time, and I keep learning while taking charge even if I want to stick my head into the sand from time to time.

I do question myself from time to time "How much have I changed?". It makes me look back to the past and then look at me now, noticing there has been major changes. I wouldn't say I've become fearless or have everything painted out for myself - far from it. But from being a more quiet introverted child processing traumatic events through life, I've become a little more head strong and a somewhat outspoken person - which can be both positive and negative depending on how I look at it. I take to heart the mistakes I make and I actively try to learn from them. Sometimes I think I try too much that it can have the "kick me in the ass" effect because it still doesn't become as balanced as I want it, as it seemed to ended up at the other end of the balance platform instead of the middle keeping it steady. So I realize on this path there is still quite a road ahead for me to travel.

There are times I've had a few wake up calls later on where I realize I probably only walked halfway through a process, thinking I was done with it. But new realization appears and it throws me for a loop. The fact that I am a highly sensitive being doesn't always help in these situations.

These days I have to say I feel rather overwhelmed by the knowledge of how much our inner-child affects us all when we haven't taken charge,acknowledged things and been able to calm ourselves down yet instead letting the inner-child control us. I think for some years I was blindsided, although knowing very well that things from the past has effected me and made me a part of who I am - which isn't half bad. But the actualization of realizing "she" is still 'controlling' me in certain situations made me thing about not only me but how unaware others are of the effect of our inner-child. We might say "stop acting like a child", "Don't be so childish" and then later saying I realize it has to do with the past (or some fail to see it completely), where something happened and as an adult it got triggered and gave us an experience making us think "Wow, where did that come from?". It's should also be a wake up call to a lot of people when they realize that all of us have that inner-child within us, that sometimes people behave or respond to the inner-child which has been lacking, hurt, traumatized etc in the past and it doesn't really have much to do with the current situation as it has to do with something they are responding to from the past that got triggered from the situation that arose.

Life is a hell of a journey, with it's ups and downs.
For me trying to understand things usually helps, but there are times where you do realize that you can't understand everything as every being or situations are complex and unique in their own way. Which in retrospect makes it all even more fascinating to me.

Almost feels like I am in loooove...

Alright I might be pulling the trigger off way to soon, but I've just had the pleasure having 'Nike Lunarglide +4' shoes on my feet... and let me tell you; it felt like heaven. I haven't had the chance to test them outdoor yet when speed walking and/or jogging due to vanity reasons - only indoor getting used to them. Who wants to get them all dirty right away when it is still a bit wet and muddy outside from the snow melting? Not me.. So I am for the time being using my already dirty shoes until it is dry and the sun is shining bright.

I was very pleased with the help I got picking them out at the local sports store "Team Sportia". I came in, explaining I have rather sensitive feet ever since I was unfortunate in -99 getting a rather serious frost damage to my feet. It has lead me to need shoes that is one size bigger than I used to as too much pressure to my toes might easily lead to inflamation and blisterhell is a constant factor that I so far hasn't been able to get away from. We decided to try out the machine they have to check out where the pressure is put when I Stand/walk. It could seem to him that one leg might be a bit longer than the other as one foot seemed to be more curved under the arch than the other - but he is no specialist. So in the back of my head I thought perhaps it will be a good idea contacting a foot specialist, that way I should get the right feedback.

After the test was done, he suggested two different shoes and as luck would have it the store had advertised "Runners day sale". I had no idea, but I suppose it was meant to be me popping by just that day getting the 20% discount. I wouldn't say they were cheap regardless, but my feet are worth it. <3

It almost feels like a daily reminder when I am out walking. In a sense I lucked out, when thinking about my doctors statement "99% certain that you will lose 4 of your toes". I remember that I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. It happened on a school trip lasting a week, where we were gonna sleep out in the snow (2 nights in a tent with heating and one night in a snow cage that we made - then at a motel). How it came to be that serious was probably a combination of my scattica and the struggle to keep myself warm (bad blood circulation) while moving in the snow. I remember those two nights in a some kind of lavvu tent with a stove was a blessing. It always managed to warm up my feet right before I passed out sleeping. But the last night in  the snow cage, I was the last man inside as I was outside moving around on my skii equitment - one thing to be said though the sky was amazing with all those stars shining around me. It didn't help much so I had to call it quits and hope that my sleeping bag would do the trick. When I woke up the next day I suppose the funny thing is that I didn't think that much about it. My theory is that the back pain probably overweighed the numbness. When struggling to put on my shoes I remember that I was thinking "Darn these shoes feels like they are hard as ice", but I managed to squeeze them in at the end. Then it was down hill most of the way to the bus we were taking to the motel. I needed help laying down into bed, so I asked my roomates to just throw me there and send up the two teachers so I could let them know there were no way I was up to joining them slalom skiing. I never heard from them that day, I passed out rather quickly fully dressed in the bed. When I woke up that is when I realized something is off with my feet. I struggled taking of my wool socks and noticed that my toes were leaking. They felt numb and weird. My first thought was to get them heated up, so I got myself into a hot shower. I should never have done that. Blisters popped up everywhere. In the morning when the teacher(s) came knocking to wake us up for breakfast and more slalom training I pulled him in and took him into the bathroom showing my feet. We decided that they were going to call the emergency central. The last day when we headed home, my mother picked me up ofcourse telling me that I should have listened to her when she adviced me not to go due to my back problems while we rushed to the hospital - yes I can be stubborn and wanted to prove that I wasn't a wuss to the teachers. There my doctor gave the not so good news while draining my blisters. He ordered me to not get my feet wet, no pressure (meaning big shoes and not so much weight on them), keep them elevated and change bandaid inbetween.

 The picture is showing how my feel looked somewhere around the start phase on the front side. Believe me when I say: I kept those darn feet elevated just about 24/7. Even in the bathtub with plastic and tape around them. Hehe.

The back side doesn't look so black in this picture, but you can see signs of it mostly on the big toes.


I can still recall the sound of the saw from an operation room when walking into the hospital for my 2nd check up. It almost felt like "this is what is to come if the doctor don't see improvement", but things did still look uncertaint as my feelings hadn't returned and my toes looked more black. By the 3rd check up some of the feelings were back although I couldn't bend them as much and if memory serves me correct we removed the dry and black skin (gangrene) - could have been the 4th check up, but it's such a long time ago that I can't remember clearly. Luckily for me it only spread through skin layers and not all the way through. So today about 14 years later I still have all my toes on my feet. *Knock on wood*

I just have to make sure I don't use too tight shoes - which ofcourse makes me in general use more comfortable shoes like snickers.

A good reminder despite sensitive feet or not is to keep them warm, give them a foot massage once in a while to help the blood circulation moving. If you are sitting next to your loved one, throw your legs over to their side and give her/him your best puppy eye look while wiggling your toes. If that doesn't work pull out the pouty lip while pouting like a little puppy while looking at your feet. If it still doesn't melt your partners heart, start rubbing them yourself. ;)

Spring time closing in...

These days the sun is slowly melting the snow away, which is a wonderful feeling indeed. The winter is rather long up here in Sweden. It's not unusual that the first snow falls down in October and the snow stays put until late April. I never used to be a winter kind of person, still wouldn't say that I am, but there is one thing I like about it up here and that is that the snow stays put and they are pretty good most of the time with making sidewalks and such anti-slippery when it gets icy. Another thing worth mentioning is how beautiful winter wonderland is up here.

I don't know if it has been just this year, but as the snow is melting and we put on our snickers to have a lovely walk enjoying the weather there has been a few moments interfering with it. What may that be you ask? I got two words for you: "Dog poop". It seems that the dog owners is getting sloppier and sloppier. I have to admit I noticed it in the snow as well - it's not like the colour is invisible in the white snow. Dog poop seemed to be everywhere on top of the snow at the edge of a walking path or sidewalk. Disgusting. I mean the coloured stains of pee in the snow is one thing, but the poop.. Come on. It's their responsibility to pick it up. Perhaps to become a dog owner people should sign a agreements form of a sort?

It is a little bit funny to me as I have been thinking about this for a little while (the annoyance of dog poop that is) while I have been outside walking being interrupted in my state of bliss by a horrid stench and of course then double checking not to step into any - suppose that is one good thing with the smell. Well let me get to the "funny part": On FB these days there is a picture of an angry letter written signed by an angry mom. I will put a link to it under here - Scandinavians will be able to understand it as it is written in Swedish.


Click here

Basically the angry mother is using a harsh language (read cursing etc) to get the point across. She is rather frustrated by the dog poop that her kid fell in to, and points out that she is not interested in having to wash off dog poop on her kid on a daily basis. It's not hygienic and can also make people sick. I think what has made most people laugh most as she is trying to get her point across is the statement "Next time I see a dog owner that does not pick up the dog poop l will throw a diaper with poop at them."

It does make you think, although harsh language was expressed, she did get the attention that she wanted as it is now spreading like a virus on the internet. I of course hope it will strike a cord with the dog owners that actually does walk away after their dog has been doing their dirty deed. It is especially sad that they ignore it when it is on a walking path, sidewalk or where people play/hang out in public areas. Although when comparing it to last Christmas in Lithuania where they didn't seem to care at all, at least dog owners here try to keep it on the side and not in the middle of the walking path. I wish though that either they pick it up or take a walk in the deep forrest where it will be more or less unnoticed.

With that said, it is now time to put some shoes on and get moving. The sun hasn't come out today and it seems rather windy, but this lady needs to get in better shape so I shall not complain.

Ciao!

First random post..

So I've entered the land of blogging once again after I deleted my account a couple years ago..

Not that I wrote much then or have high expectations of myself that I will be expressing myself over any mind-blowing matters. I just figure it can be a way to get some of my silly thoughts out of my head instead of letting them circle around in there - blinded by the dark.

In my case it is true when they say: "getting the words out there is such a lovely and freeing feeling".